Connections from the Past

Briefly connecting with an old friend makes me desperate. Desperate for the intensity of relationships in the past. Where is that capacity with those around me? I am tired of the senseless chatter and busyness. I am left wondering, where is the intensity, the meaning as an adult? Is it possible now? Was it ever real then? Was I on the right path then, before I set out to achieve everything I thought would make me happy? Moving multiple times, being focused on kids, school, career, keeping up with the never ending list of "to-do's" has hardly made me notice, at least not for long, that I am unsatisfied. Now at a lull, those dismissed feelings are raw and demanding attention! I am finding myself alone on my journey. Despite it all, I am unsatisfied. How can this be? Feeling vulnerable. A little flattery could be destructive. In need of a serious change of routine and feeling an intense dread for monotony. Having worked so hard to find stability, only to be bound by it! Where is the excitement, the adrenaline, the joy, the connection? There has to be more than this! Some may say change your attitude, your perspective, be appreciative...I'm tired of playing mind games with myself! Yes, my thoughts do have the power to control my feelings, but the feelings are still there, a powerful reminder to my manipulated mind. Is what I seek real or imaginary? Is what I seek healthy or destructive? I need to get out of my mind...back to the drone. That should do it!